Where have all the spokespeople gone?

It’s official. It’s time to bring back the spokesperson, the pitch man, the all knowing professional whose job it is to advise the world on why his or her product is superior. And, I don’t mean talking lizards or those animated bears that hide rolls of T.P. in the woods.  I mean a good old fashioned Madge, Mr. Whipple, Fred the Baker, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker. I’ll even take the little old lady who once asked the world, “Where’s the beef?” … somebody to inform us consumers of the attributes of things most of us take for granted, like toilet tissue.

Enough with the cartoons.

Somebody find today’s Mr. Whipple, please.

Charmin’s animated bears are now advertising “Enjoy the Go” while stashing their rolls of squeezably soft Charmin on low hanging branches somewhere in the forest. Ok, bears in the woods… enjoy the go… huh? For me, this campaign only brings to mind that age old question “Do bears s*#t in the woods,” not what makes the product better than your average two ply sheets. These bears are not convincing me to buy this product. 

In the recent past, Procter & Gamble has shown us these bears with scraps of tissue on their bottoms. Horrors. Thank goodness the bears thought to switch to Charmin. How though? Did they pillage a pic-a-nic basket or station wagon parked at a campground? Wait. That was Yogi, another famous animated bear. Anyway, I’m pretty sure that these days this Papa bear should be advertising recycled paper to save the trees surrounding and protecting his home that’s being destroyed by suburban sprawl.

Recently, the bears, Mamma and Papa (post “go”) join hands and with a Barry White like song seductively playing in the background, snuggle on a sofa in front of a crackling fire and wink at the viewer suggesting perhaps a romantic interlude. Charmin, parodying an erectile dysfunction Viagra like ad, huh? Perhaps I should be grateful that Momma and Papa didn’t sit in matching claw foot tubs watching a sunset. There seems to be quite a few of those tossed out on beaches, overlooking lakes, and in the woods.

Dennis Legault, a Procter & Gamble Charmin brand manager, once said that actor Dick Wilson deserved much of the credit for the product's success. Wilson’s, Mr. Whipple character was "one of the most recognizable faces in the history of American advertising." I agree. I’d also add that the uptight grocer who begged customers “Please don’t squeeze the Charmin” made some sense. Soft T.P. in a grocery store guarded by a curmudgeon who was himself a lover of that squeezably soft paper -- brilliant. When was the last time you saw a bear in your local supermarket purchasing dry goods?

I’m sure Mr. Whipple must have a grandson, a nephew, somebody that can take over the store and remind us NOT to squeeze the Charmin, somebody so devoted to the product that they can give us guidance.

Come on Madison Avenue, give me an expert. Flo can’t do it all.